Never Forget
Many kinds of abuse are kept secret because of stigma and shame. Child relinquishment, too, is characterized by stigma, shame and secrecy. However, even today, many people are reluctant to acknowledge survivors of child relinquishment and their traumatic memories.
Why is the trauma of adoption not acknowledged? Maybe the main reason is that, while child relinquishment severely damaged many relinquishing mothers, the adopters were healed when they gained a baby. Adopters were “healed” of their childlessness. Even today, perhaps most women and men view adoption only in positive terms. They choose not to look at how adoption has traumatized women who have surrendered their babies to adoption.
Dusky was the first birthmother to come out of the closet by writing a book. Her autobiography, Birthmark, was released in 1979. Since then, a number of first mothers (“birthmothers”) have written about their experiences, but none have written with as much unadulterated courage, clarity and eloquence as Dusky. Many first mothers have been inspired by her willingness to bare her soul.
First mothers remember the trauma of child relinquishment, though they might repress some of the more painful details. What seems to run through the psyche of first mothers is a feeling of betrayal. Parents or other authority figures advised or even coerced these girls to relinquish their babies. More than a decade ago, Jennifer Freyd introduced the words “betrayal trauma.” *(See betrayal trauma theory.) I believe her definition is applicable to many cases of child relinquishment!
I first wrote about the trauma of this type of betrayal in 1994. In Search for Paul David, I also wrote about “birthmother trauma syndrome” and described it as a type of posttraumatic stress disorder. I believe this disorder is manifested in varying degrees in women who have surrendered their babies to adoption. I also believe that surrender of one’s child has an aftermath so powerful that it impinges on many important aspects of a woman’s life and colors many of her decisions, actions, and relationships.
The holocaust of child relinquishment should not be forgotten. Remembering trauma can be a catalyst for educating society and preventing the repetition of trauma. The medical model to describe the effects of trauma is useful because that is the paradigm understood by most therapists and health practitioners.
Empowerment of veteran first mothers is a fairly recent phenomenon –which some might perceive as a social movement. Interestingly, the seeds of first-mother empowerment were planted after the dawn of feminism, and after abortion rights legislation.
Social movements often result in a backlash, such as we have seen with feminism and pro-choice movements. And so we wonder: What does the future hold for the empowerment of first mothers and adoptees?
One thing is clear: We do not forget the babies we birthed, nor should we. Furthermore, remembering our babies goes hand in hand with remembering relinquishment trauma.
A society that condemned young women to relinquishment-annihilation of their babies for a lifetime should be ashamed of itself! For a woman who rejects abortion, nurturing and birthing a baby is woman’s most sacred passage. What kind of society withholds support from her? Women who have survived child relinquishment are true survivors.
*The concept originally introduced by Jennifer Freyd in 1994, betrayal trauma theory (BTT), occurs when people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person.
ONE BABY AVAILABLE FOR FORTY COUPLES WAITING TO ADOPT A BABY
The competition is strong. The ratio of potential adopters to available newborn babies is 40:1. Potential adopters are eager to get their hands on a newborn. The internet has numerous sites in which couples are instructed on how to increase their chances. A couple will agonize on the best “dear birthmother” letter to write, so that a vulnerable expectant mom will choose them as the perfect couple to raise her child. The letter may list all the opportunities they will offer the child (in stark contrast perhaps to what the natural mother can provide): financial security, the best schools, a great neighborhood, two parents etc. They will pull on the expectant mother’s heartstrings when they tell her how they have longed for a baby for years. Stories of miscarriages may arouse the expectant mother’s sympathy.
Societal changes are at the root of the extreme increase in fertility problems. Women are delaying conception in order to get an education and to establish careers. The driving force is the desire for women to be financially independent, and for women to attain equal rights in our society. Women are no longer willing to be treated as “less than” men.
While the struggle for equal rights is happening, delayed motherhood has become the norm. There has been a growing tendency in our culture to devalue the role of mother and grandmother and this way of thinking has influenced the choices that young women make when fertility is at its peak.
There is a wide belief that women can have babies at any age, thanks to technology. That is a lie! Young women need to be educated about this lie! Young women also need to be educated about the reality that while one’s choice of career is very important, the most important life choice (by far) is who she chooses to father her child. A bad choice can permeate one’s entire life.
The competition to adopt a newborn has increased in the last five decades. The ratio of adopters to an available baby has changed! Around the 1960s, there were 8 infertile couples waiting for an “illegitimate” baby to be born, so that they could become parents. Today, there are 40 couples needing a “birth mother” to go through childbirth and then give the baby to them. “A loving choice” is what the adoption agency calls it. One couple out of the 40 will be the recipient of the “loving choice.” Out of these 40 couples, 39 will still be waiting for someone else’s baby.
Advertising for a baby has become even more coercive. Potential adopters are told to go to states where abortion clinics have been shut down, assuring a supply of babies.
Women should not delay motherhood with the idea that they can always adopt. Why cause trauma to another woman by procuring a baby she has carried for 10 lunar months, a woman who usually spends the rest of her life regretting her loss!?
I believe some societies have the social structure and cultural attitudes that family preservation is important. A baby is not separated from its mother; rather the mom is offered kindness, support and empathy. These qualities translate to good mental and physical health for baby, mother, families and extended families. This society is guided by the perception that a child should remain with kin.
No wolf in sheep’s clothing infers to an expectant mom that adoption is “a loving choice.”
Men suffer infertility as well, which can be a blow to the ego. Aside from infertility, a contributing factor to the number of childless couples is that many men are delaying fatherhood as well, due to the pressure of getting advanced education, followed by a need to succeed in their dream job. They may internalize the need for financial security before marrying and starting a family. Late marriage for a man means that a woman of a similar age must delay child-bearing until the man is ready for marriage and children. Thus, a woman misses out on her most fertile years — her twenties.
Anderson Cooper, 52 years old, announced the birth of his first child. He said he is “eternally grateful to a remarkable surrogate who carried Wyatt, watched over him lovingly, tenderly, and gave birth to him.” Men can pass their DNA and become fathers at any age. Not true for women.
Infertility causes a sad emptiness in many women. If one is rich enough, one can pay a surrogate to have a baby. Or one can adopt, which also requires an outlay of money, paid to the adoption agency or to a baby finder. In both of these instances, the “Handmaiden’s Tale” comes to mind. Her body is used to satisfy other persons’ longing and possibly their sense of entitlement.