ADOPTION EDUCATION

Book Excerpt

The social worker, having been to a recent workshop by Dr. Kubler-Ross (the expert on death and dying), proposed a simplistic exercise which she claimed had been demonstrated with a birthmother. “Take a pillow in your hands and have that pillow represent all your feelings surrounding the loss of your baby. Then, simply throw it. And know that you’re now rid of all those feelings.” Ms. D. smiled kindly when she said it; I knew she meant well. So, I didn’t tell her what was on my mind! I knew that many health professionals had their heads in the sand about the true nature of birthmother issues. Even conflicts of interest had been ignored; a woman trying to adopt a baby would certainly have a conflict of interest in counseling a woman whose chief issue was the loss of a baby to adoption! Still, I remained in the group and tried to derive whatever benefit I could from the group experience, acknowledging the areas in which the facilitators were competent. And after reading in the newspaper about Truth Seekers in Adoption, I knew that my special need would be addressed in my newly found group.
From the book: Search for Paul David
Order from amazon.com
Note: Truth Seekers in Adoption was founded by L. McCurdy.)

My first child was born on March 18 and relinquished to  adoption.

Very early in my marriage, I suffered a miscarriage.  At this stage, the embryo was the size of a pea.

I  also had a second miscarriage at the end of the first trimester of pregnancy. At 12 weeks, a fetus is about 3 inches in length and weighs about 0.6 oz.

 

https://mb.com.ph/2020/05/23/korean-american-adoptee-files-landmark-paternity-suit-against-her-biological-father-in-south-korea/

In a mood…

https://theadoptedones.wordpress.com/2020/05/15/are-you-a-hap-hoping-to-adopt/

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/140542/unsupportive-adoptive-mother/

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-good-life-i-wish-my-mother-had-aborted-me/

Wishing I Was Aborted & Wanting to Die

 

The following link is about a rape cover-up and pregnancy:

https://apnews.com/a7121c4914454bf7a81417d73ae1f9f1

 

 

 

 

 

I am a birth mother. In 1964, I surrendered my first-born baby to adoption, and this had a profound and lifelong impact. The psychologicaI effects penetrated the core of my being. I began to write because I “had to” write. What had happened could no longer stay hidden and buried. My first hardcover book was published in 1991. In 1995, my book, SEARCH FOR PAUL DAVID, became available. My last hardcover is an expanded, revised edition, published by Schenkman Books in 1998 (Trumpi). In conclusion, I spent 1/3 of my life living without “my baby” and 1/3 of my life searching, researching, and writing.

There are millions of first mothers like me! Many of them suffer from “birth mother trauma syndrome.” Until recently, few people recognized the long-term trauma suffered by birthmothers (first mothers) who had given their children up for adoption. Furthermore, the healing experienced by a mother and child reunion was often undocumented. In SEARCH FOR PAUL DAVID, I chronicle the search for and reunion with my son and my quest for psychological healing. My book also covers the ever-present controversy of agencies and institutions and their role in the adoption process.

Perhaps the psychological effects of child relinquishment were best summarized by C. Chandler, a birth mother, who recently wrote: “Giving a child up is a very deep trauma for a woman…a form of soul rape.” First mothers are not the only wounded souls–many adoptees are indicating that they, too, have been suffering from a set of symptoms (a syndrome) related to their adoption.

My son may be an exception: He insists that he hardly ever thought about me and had a wonderful life! Following our reunion, my son married. He and his wife pursued their dreams and careers. Much later, in their 30s, they were ready to have children and promptly conceived. A boy first, then a girl. A beautiful family, whose lives I share, though they live thousands of miles from me

As for me, I can see that I’ve gone through the stages outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her pioneering work, Death and Dying. The stages are denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial occurred in the perinatal period and didn’t last long! After that, I vacillated between anger and depression (while throwing in some life-saving repression and more denial). Reaching the stage of acceptance means that healing has occurred. Am I healed? On most days, I accept what happened. Complete healing may be an illusion.

During the 1980s, the concept of open adoption began to receive publicity.  But we must be wary about what adoption agencies mean when they speak of “open adoption.’  Unless caution is exercised, this could become the new fraud — with adoption agencies using the words “open adoption” as a marketing technique to lure confused women.  Without knowledgeable attorneys to guide them toward a fair and future-oriented legal contract, first mothers could again be deceived, much like their “sisters” of earlier decades when first mothers had no attorney, no one looking out for their interests, no contract at all, and no rights.

In the past, first mothers were not even given by the agency a copy of the surrender paper.  With no rights at all, and their bodies used — like pieces of property — so that other adults could profit, perhaps first mothers came closer than any other segment of society in resembling the early slaves of this country.

In public discourse, adoption workers have been fond of speaking and writing the words — “she chose adoption” — but the listener or reader has not been given the true and complete account as to how this so-called “choosing” came about.  The listener or reader has not been informed that frequently the agency somehow “forgot” to counsel and aid the first mother so that she could keep her child.  Why?  Because the prospective adoptive parents were somehow perceived as so much more worthy of the agency’s attention.  Weren’t those fine people more worthy of the baby than the one who bore him?

Some of the adoption workers were themselves adoptive parents.  Other workers simply belonged to the same social class as the potential adopters and the agency workers saw themselves as “like the adoptive parents.”  Conversely, many agency workers perceived themselves as very different from the women whose “out-of-wedlock” pregnancies (and bulging bellies) were proof of their “moral transgressions.”

Society has changed and the unwed mother-to-be is generally not hidden away in a home for unwed mothers.  The intense shame once associated with “illegitimacy” is gone.  Enlightened parents are not likely to cry out, “You have disgraced our family!”  Instead, some may actually embrace their new grandchild and give aid to the child’s mother.

Times have changed but infertility is on the rise.  Adoption is a thriving business.  New marketing techniques are needed.  Thus, the concept of open adoption was born.  In some (not all) cases, the first mother receives little more than crumbs.  She still hurts.

Pregnant women considering adoption should be informed about open adoption!  They must  also be told: Open adoption agreements are not enforceable in many states!

In a perfect world, mothers would not be separated from their children.  We also know that separation can occur in a number of ways: war, death, lack of resources, lack of safety, anti-immigration, etc.  Loving, unselfish adults must be available to provide help to these children.

Too often, a mother is separated from her child due to lack of resources and lack of support from significant others.  Too often, a vulnerable mother loses her baby so that an infertile couple can receive a baby.

Adoption is a thriving business.